Ohana Means Family

after the masks have slidden right off and we, with all the faith of mustard seeds, launch ourselves with rawness of heart instead of those parcelled truths we dish out so religiously…

when we come humbly, finally, with sackcloths and realize that to be right with God first is everything and the exterior is worth nothing at all…

we have to ask ourselves the question: what was that lie that i was living before? did jesus have a role there?

the authentic sharing will continue (i hope) through God’s grace and thanks to the faithfulness of leaders in aaiv but i wonder, when will it be my turn to share? especially now when i feel like i can’t even trust the people that i’m supposed to be able to trust?

God’s been speaking to my heart about my heart…but truth be told, the bloody, pulpy mess of my heart right now is screaming murder and nothing will quell it but seomthing equally as terrible and messy… but God is speaking..

i’m praying like crazy for the grace of God to overwhelm this darkness and all the other places that need to be exposed…

do i take God at his word? is it ok to forgive? where will i get the strength? it’s always easier said (or written) then done. i need prayer guys…

despite everything, something i think i still believe in –community is important. 

(btw looking back at what we’ve written in this blog brings back a lot of heart-warming memories… let’s continue to be family to one another especially now when we’re all deep in school and ministry and other obligations and worries)

i have been looking forward to break to finally spend some good time w/ my family, be stress free for a couple weeks, and urbana.

but.

this is not how break is quite working out. planning for small groups is actually really hard, i have about a dozen lesson plans due by the end of this week which is  A LOT harder than i thought! and i have been SOOO UNLOVING towards my family. and i dont know why, but i feel my heart hardening and it makes me angry when i see my family, but then i get so angry at myself for being angry for no reason. i have no idea why i keep losing my temper, espeically with my mom and i feel like i’ve regressed into a teenager that just goes to her room and slams the door.

i stopped reading the bible after the 2nd or 3rd day of break cause my mom told me what’s the point of reading the bible and saying things when you act like this. i think that is the first discouraging thing i’ve heard from my mom about my spiritual life. and agreeably i have been acting so selfish during break and then there’s this vicious cycle of getting pissed at my mom, fighting, and then taking it out on the rest of my family.

and i actually have a shorter break cause i need to start going to school jan 4. which i’m actually excited for, not for student teaching, but just to get out of my house. just the stress of student teaching starting soon, planing for small groups, and my family i just want to go back to school.

im sorry this just sounds like a bunch of complaining.

also off topic- is there a set password for the aaiv blog? cause i clicked that i forgot password and it said i could change it but i didn’t cause i didnt know if there was a communal password or if i set a personal one before and couldnt remember.

and thanks stephen for your post on the aaiv site. motivated me.

While I sharing with frosh group some of the “wisdom” i’ve supposedly acquired through these past almost 4 years, i didn’t realize how passionate or strongly i felt about our community.  i was sharing about how community has affected me and helped me grow. we (aaiv) talk about this kinda stuff fairly often so its easy just to say that “community is awesome” or “aaiv has helped me a lot” and other cliche statements that actually have depth to them. and while i was sharing, the depth was revealed. (if not to them, then to me)

i don’t always feel accepted or loved. i don’t always get along with everybody, my relationships are pretty surface, and i’m constantly getting burned out. and this community seems so bleak at times.
but when we get to the core of us. when people dig below the pettiness, and are willing to work past the brokenness we all bring to one another…

there is love.
and not just any kind of love,
but the love of a savior who has redeemed. who calls us his children. who endlessly pours out his own love.

this is my our hope. and being part of a community that is genuinely devoted to living the will of Christ is irreplaceable and a really life changing experience.

starting to grow nostalgic for aaiv.

This year I’ve realized that I struggle with everything. There seems to be no sin that I am above as I sink lower and lower, and then still hopelessly lower. As a result, I am now again seeing myself more clearly for who I really am–a person in need of JESUS. It’s so painful, but i know that there is hope still… *Testimony of God’s grace—not a testimony unto myself. I have been trying to grow spiritually and be changed, but for the wrong reasons? Not for my glory, but for His. 

i wrote this in my xanga last year but i’m reposting b/c it still resonates.. especially the last part: “testimony of God’s grace, not a testimony unto myself”  –what if we saw our lives through this lens? because of this, i’m realizing more deeply and fundamentally that there is truly hope for every situation .. praise God.

What are yours filled with? 

I probably have the attention span of about 2.5 seconds these days. My mind just starts to wander (oh the plague of technology and the media) but the wandering feels more like a desperate tugging, especially today.  Maybe it’s my mechanism for coping with the pain, and I can say I prefer the mental floating to anything else really and I don’t really feel ready to come down.  

I don’t know where I’m going with this but I am trying to believe that where I stand right now is in the center of God’s will …that God is with me.. and His blessing.  I’m trying to stare at those promises, at the beautiful God who is perfect in every which way and loves me more than I could ever know.  Nothing else gives me more hope than worshipping and listening to his words these days. Even when nobody seems to understand or care… I focus my eyes on God, my everything… all that i need.  

God I give my hurts to you…would you fill my eyes with you.

I wanted to get more involved with this but better late than never! I just wanted to say that I love this team … though there might have been some tense times it has only worked to bring us closer together and I am surprised with how comfortable and accepted I feel with you guys.  I’m blessed and encouraged by you all for being so committed to this team, to this ministry, and to walking with God and I’m looking forward to the rest of the year with our new family  

Remember, God is looking for the willing, not the perfect.  He is the only one that can transform hearts. He is God so let’s trust in him for this coming year!

i don’t know who on servant team even still read this.
but, i am excited for what is to come this year. and to be serving Christ with you guys. a God that calls for forgiveness and that redeems beyond what we can imagine.

st meeting seemed more heated and intense than usual. and i expect more of those to come as well. but i look forward to the reconciliation (i’m starting to not like that word, but it fits) and love that is going to overflow within us because He first loved us.

iCare about our team.
(lower case i)

t.face<3

³Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near. (Revelation 1:3)

The revelation starts with these very words. And it is definitely encouraging to read on. I thank Jesus that he had this revelation and shared it with us. Even though we are broken He knew that He is able to heal and redeem us in him.

¹⁷When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. ¹⁸I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades. (Revelation 1:17-18)

If I saw Jesus or God, I would have fainted or be so scared. I love how Jesus places his hand on him then first thing he says is “Do not be afraid.” Those words are so comforting and perfect for that moment. I feel like Jesus always know what to say. He knows exactly what to say! How amazing.

I wanted to encourage you guys all to abide in Jesus. For he will help you bear fruit and comfort you and guide you. Be blessed in the Lord and read His Word! For His word speaks the truth and encourages us to live for Him.

If they have this kind of technology i will go crazy! And buy it!

This is so funny because I agree with him sometimes. haha